I have nothing to say today..the nothingness makes me see the light..I am driven by life and nothingness makes it simple.

Perhaps

I really dont know what i want from life..perhaps I am in the rat race without realising that I already leading it with a Red flag..I tend to analyse my sub conscience thoughts by giving it a new direction everytime when my mind wanders, but then I am back to square one..the same feel from where I started..I can convince myself a thousand times, vent it out a million ways, but then I realise that the answers shall lie in the simplest of things..I am not too sure about it but thats what the logic says.

Perhaps, I should open my thoughts to things which I do not perceive any more or cannot relate to, opening of the mind shall open my soul again..Perhaps..

Ofcourse I want to drive a fancy car and never think twice about money when I have to shell out a little more than what what the situation demands..ofcourse I want to go to Mar bella and sit there and relax for days and days to come and never think of any thing else but my libido..ofcourse I want to have the best Ice and party in London..but then all this needs money..

I will be rich as I wont die trying and I mean it..I trust my brain for that and the humbleness which if missing, can drag you to the streets without a rag to sleep on..

Sweet revenge is spoken then;
In the twilight it is gone.
To living lies with no escape,
Lord, I would rather be alone...

Do I care..I really dont..maybe 4 years down the line i would have..as things go more complex in life, your basic thoughts of illusions become more certain when you tend to meet some people who make an effort to know you..you wanting to know them is a different proposition all together..am in DRUNK..ofcourse I AM..

RECLOSSE

I am not into politics but I have been a part of the countless discussions where I have discussed it with some hard core friends getting into extensive discussions based purely on the basis of politics. And so I have seen friends jumping from a 800 in into a 5 Series in 2 years time and discussions when you know the cabinet minister and his lust for europeans which can give you a tender to serve your generations to come. I dont find myself lost in the discussions and have very valubale inputs but then its not me when I am sober. Alcohol can make you talk wonders..

And so now, I am propagating my concept of a restuarant. Its been there for some years now but now I have to propagate it to get partners and the political nexus i shall need to run it in the place I want it to. The finance with my investment being the surplus and I think its the same with my friends as well, shall have to sufficient to provide us the gestation period till the time the place is running. The interiors shall be done by one of my very close friends you happens to be an artisit and has promised me the best of her stuff...i like her creativity.. I talk about it when I am drunk with friends with the topic never going light (I make an effort to do that)..So, I have worked on it..politics..chef..view..money..music..labour..local support..etc etc..I am not too sure if I shall be able to tap in the dollars but it shall be a dream come true even if I have my first dinner there with some invited guests..

Money coming out from this adventure shall never be an issue..its more about my a resturant which I had dreamt about and never found when I was a traveller..

Things change so quickly..I think in the end of the day its all about perceptions..I was taught in a mediation course that the outside shall always remain the same while the inside keeps on changing..if we can make the inside constant, the outside shall always remain the same..a good thing enters our ears or through one of our senses and enters our brain to produce chemicals to which we react..if we keep observing our breath and the millions of energies in our body which are created every nano second to give a cumulative effect called emotion to which our brains react, then rather then reacting to it if we just let it pass, we shall come out of the thread of creating emotions and notions which do not exist..or maybe does..

Much easier said then done as doing it can take a life time and essentially it shall depend on your karmas..the peace is immense where a lotus shall shine in your heart..

My mind makes me percive things which are not true and I know it but then I am just human..need a life time to understand it and another life time to get it right in my next life incase I dont end up burning in hell..

I want it in this life and I want it now..I am human and I have insatiable desires to top it all..

I want to think this as four chapters of my life..my first love music, work, girls and then getting high..This is not necessary in the fashion that I have put it but these are the most important factors of my life. As of now, this is the priority when I am 28 right now.

Music is going fine and I think I shall never be able to live without it. It changes me and makes me feel light and easy or just leaves me somewhere where I enjoy. I love playing the guitar and singing with it and it just sometimes makes me feel numb. Its a feel coming out when you breath leaving your heart blossom like a flower. Its amazing when it comes back to you when you want it to be. I know what I mean only if you can undestand it.

Work, is when I left college and my X told me, who apparently cracked one of the best B schools which life can offer working with one of the biggest banks (and I feel jealous abt it at times), that I have the brains to do stuff only if I can challenize, which apparently used to make me wonder if what she was saying had any substance. All I could do that time was smoke up and play the guitar and copy Vedder and Cobain. So when I had the opportinty (and I must thank God for that), I only though that I shall work and work for 5 years and leave everthing I ever thought about as secondary. I am 4 years down the line...

Girls, I really dont know if I have had my share but then a man is always greedy. I have never been in love or perhaps never got it from the ones I wanted. Some beautiful ladies who gave me, I still respect and cherish them for I could not give them my true self. After college, my work life gave me back seat in this and perhaps even with my guitar and singing, but then its all abt money now, isnt it?? I shall wait for another year, Its coming my friend and you are reaching there...

Getting high never changed and it shall never change.. I cant change myself but I can atlest exercise to stop the body harm coz in the end, before I die, I really want to have my kicks before the whole shit goes up in flames...how abt joining me for the base camp????

I dont know if I have a vision but I can see things happening with an added flavour of life. I like positivety because I think that your body shall function the way you think and be ready for the goods and the bads accordingly. The buffer is always their. As they say, Imagine the worse but hope for the best.

I think it is all about energies as we are born with it. What we can least do is to preserve it or else we shall loose the orbit we were destined to be in...

Jai Bholein..

I think I am a dreamer for more reason than one. My imaging of the eutopia gives me half the pleasure of experiencing it in real and the other greedy half makes me work towards it and dream more.

I wonder why every life is so complicated and why are these aspiration that we nurture bound to make us go round and round untill we realise that it is just another experience or maybe a mistake.

However, the pyramids of my mind point inwards when I now open my thoughts to the world absorbing it into oneness inside me.

Khopche mein..

I mean what the hell. I want to live my way inside the system and be successful because I am what I am and am capable of doing things my way. The system is again one which appeals to me. My God is flexible and enjoys head banging. I am not listening to you teaching me how to behave because I am not biting into your pseudo sensitive emotional trigerring old fashioned system based uneducated behind the wall half baked off the cuff non scientific talks.


************


Where on one side in the western old, blowing horns is more like abusing, I recently heard on the highway this truck with a Punjab number having a famous punjabi number as a horn. The driver completed the song on the press of a single button and probably danced as the vehicle zipped past other trucks blowing the usual poooo pooo. I mean awesome as what you got to do and have to do, there is nothing wrong in shaking a leg or two along with it.

Chopal was amazing. The beauty of the place lies in the fact that it is too remote to be reached easily and comfortably; as a result of which you are able to see the real hills and the hard life it offers.

I always used to wonder on the fact as to why the people from the hills(the villagers specially) are so helpful. There was a joke that we used to share that a stranger from the hill shall skip his own bus incase you have left your luggage with him for safe keeping while you have gone to take a leak. I got the answer now. Its because in the remote hills there are not more than two houses in one hill and you can barely see people on the roads. What you can obviously do in these circumstances is to help everyone so that this help actually comes back to you when you are in dire straits. This feel actually trickels down in their hearts as well when they come down to the cities with the emotions gradually being swallowed by the concrete parasites.

So there was excellent hospitality, lots of love and affection from my friends family, a dedicated servant who refused to leave us alone even for a small trek and the usual booze and stuff. The guitar rocked and we laughed and sang and deep breath to experience that we are alive. The food was awesome with new delicacies.

The day before we left, we went for a trek for more than three hours to reach my friends orchard in a place called Cheela. It was one of the best experience of my life. The place was in one of the remotest regions with telephone and electricity but no toilets. It was all in the open something which I had never experienced before. It was brimming with marijuana leaves with the plant going upto 20 feet in height. I mean I have never seen anything as huge as that. The apple orchard which was approximately at a height of 9000 feet was guarded by two shepard dogs, Basanti and Johnny who saved their master from a bear a couple of months back. He narrated us the experience looking at Basanti while I had my gulp of whisky and a drag of the cream made by him a couple of months back. This was his pastime and business he told us. We chilled there till late night when the electricity went off as it rained heavily outside.

Basanti guarded our doorstep the entire night as we slept while Johnny guarded the house and his master in the next room. It was a bright new morning the next day. The early morning experience in the open at 9000 feet looking at the trees was an eye opener.

And as I write this I feel a hell lot lighter..I have never been so stressed out in my life before I left my job and finally..finally found a new one..so I was off to Bombay and then to Goa..

I have always loved Goa but then I got to see Bombay in a new way this time..I like the city, the cosmopolitan look of it where you can see girls at 12:30 at night at Bandra walking all alone on the road..I mean i liked it to see the freedom and the security they had..way to go Bombay..you can never imagine such a thing in Delhi..its just too dangerous..

The first night, I really dont remember when we went to the club after polishing off a few bottles..the only thing I remember is seeing my friend playing the piano on the table along with the music in the club and then only to realise him down the floor where he is still playing it..it was hilarious..and then the guy who realised that we were awfully drunk and charged us some enormous amount for a polaroid flick..I found it in my pocket the next morning..Bombay rocked..Thank God we made that night back home..

And then it was Goa, the beaches, the babes and the beer..not to forget the music..stuff like, 'YOU WANT SMOKE??,'..MARIJUANA?? U WANT BEEDS?? 20 BUCKS ONLY, ITEM IN CABANNA?? real good,want to try?? massage?? call me, take my number..?....? I went to my trusted place to score and then I was all set to roll, the weather was awesome, it was 24 degree celsius when I landed and was the same till the time I stayed..

I love Goa for more than one reason but the most is for the love it gives back to you, I feel proud to be an Indian there, probably one of the few Indian hippy cities where you are not discriminated to be an Indian, its a fact dude, go to Mcleo if you dont trust me..where a Gora is a Gora and the locals treat you differently..I spoke to a local on this and he told me that they make a hell lot of business from Indians then the foreigners as they are more than ready to shell out as compared to a Gora who is on a shoe string budget.. yes, this can define of not having the discrepancy as Mcleo or Old Manali are places not visted by Indians who have fat pockets, ok justified..its money basically..

Another thing for which Goa stands out, the people are generous, helpful and chillin..you can talk to the locals in Hindi and the laugh at the Gora around and then on yourself..then talk to the Gora and smile..meet some very interesting and talented people,

Goa is calm and cool when the sun makes love to the sea every evening..Goa rocks, you can loose yourself there..no wonder we have the Goan trance and the famous raves..By the way, I got some kick ass music!!

So it was around 15 minutes back when I saw this Kaloo friend of ours singing on VH1,the song, "I like the BARTENDER"..Ok, I tried to figure out what he is trying to make out in life and suddenly was engrossed in the thought of our bartenders I have seen in India trying to make a living and basically undergoing through the entire ordeal of a hand to mouth existence.

But then I saw the television again and saw the Kaloo having a gala time in the video surrounded by the voluptous bartenderssss....He had the tender indeed..(ok, I know a bad one)..And then says, "I dont drink and I dont smoke, and I came to see you near the bar..blah blah blah.."..full on types..

It was time I thought of changing this and surfing as I would rather one day, some day, listen to our Pandit Ravi Shankar at 6 in the morning..the thought of "I dont drink, I dont smoke"..I just pray when I play..

I have felt this a million times, its just that with each passing year every feel seems to be more familiar and I can relate to other expereinces which passed me into another phase, another moment and another deja vu..

I dont think it really feels different but then I think I know where I am heading. I welcome myself there and for a new phase in life..You are welcome here Neo no matter how many times you see the Black Cat..Meow!!

And i wait here in the dark for you to speak to me..I hold the pain..Release me..Release me..

So how are we today..are we again discussing the strange images coming out of my libido or another beggar I saw to feel disgusted about realising he needs more money than I do..much more than I do..should I part way with it..will it make a difference??

So what are we talking about today. How much money politicians made today (USD ofcourse) and how my business cannot survive without bribing them to death in their accounts or how the dollar depriciated to make my life more worse in times to come.

So how am I sleeping today, with or without her and how she changes with time withtout making a difference to my emotional wreck when love is stilll a word alien to me but I wish it could mean something.. mean something please..

So where is the party tonight, lost in the middle of drinks still searching for the pleasure which I experienced dont remember when, trying in vain to regain and experience it again..its all a mugs game..

And so how would I wake up tommorow, trying to remember my dream when I was oscillating between the parameters of dimensions and how much I hate my routine...loosing out on life, generating the energy yet once again..all over again..

Am I looking for something which has already found me or should I hear that bugger again..ah..he made it the way he wanted..glad he is dead..Play some music for my ears sweet..think I still have life left in me..

Here we go

I dont want to believe in the policy of being nice any more. People dont seem to understand that. I think with the manner in which our systems work and the gap between the poor and rich widening as we breathe, people just dont seem to understand the nice and gentle language which you want to speak. They want to push you to the limit and when you retaliate, things are fine. If you are nice from the word go, you are off for a ride or dragged to a corner.

You keep on working like an ass and rather than getting appreciated for it you are asked if you can take on more work. I mean ridiculous. You give money to someone when he needed it and then he doesnt return it for months. And they you are too shy and stupid to ask for it, but then in the end of the day its your fucking money. I would hate myself if I do that to someone. If I owe you some let me know!!

So I have thought that I shall change now. Be no more nice to people but even if I am, I wont say it. Silence can hide a thousand lies and a million truth. The perception shall then be in the other mind where my mind just looks at it with a blank face.

My brain says its worth a shot, my heart says let it be coz he is watching...

I feel lonely today..i call up this girl i like and she refuses to pick up the phone for whatever reasons. My schools friend calls me up and tells me how fucked up he is with his life walking out of office at 10: 3o PM at night to finish a one and a half hour journey back home. I reach home and my parents asks me a some questions pertaining to work and how I should not be stressed out because of it. I try to explain my father the difference between a government department and the way private sector works and my mom seems to understand that more than him. He tells me just to read and buy some books and read it coz i would feel like a fool tomorrow if i dont know that. I totally appreciate that.

I feel quite lonely right now and my music perhaps can not even bring me to back to life. Why am I in this rat race and what is the competition all about. I am not not one of those who shall give in so easily coz i have the power to think, to analyse and think over it like a brooding dove. I might be down and beaten tonight for whatever reasons best known to my alter ego, but I shall be back one day when I mean business and business my way and I warn you to mend your ways...

And I am man who walks alone...

Oh yes, I have a beast in me as well. An animal who only understands the rule of the jungle which indeed for him is the rule of law. It can defy it for want of self glorification, ego boosts and feeding the glorified ambuigity of hidden helplessness camouflaged behind a mechanised working brain.


The beast submerged in a pool of patience and hunger waits for the prey to fall in its trap and then strikes at the right time only to wrap itself around a tree and hear the bones crack. It can move towards the prey with soft steps and then attack with utmost accuracy from the neck, drag it back to the den to then bask in the sun. The prey struggles, sometimes fights back but eventually gives in to its destiny and the fact that things were meant to be this way.


With blood in its mouth and an excitement which diminishes with each morsel, the devil leaves the half eaten prey, sometimes alive, badly wounded to die a slow if not already dead for it understands no mercy. However, it has been known that it can be deceived by flattery as the meal pacifies only a part of his argus faced desires.

Its more like the jungle here but the only difference here is that the prey is the devils own inner self. A civil war in the brain doesnt excite me much anymore.

I dont want to work on a Sat anymore.... I need a relaxed, easy and chilled out life with a lot of holidays and lots of money and a few excellent vacations, a couple of blondes, single malts and good wines, exotic food, some hash and cool music, beaches and blue sea, a peaceful quite place with no phones ringing..

I wish money grew on trees or one fine morning I get up as a Rockstar..Money for nothing..chiks for free.

Today i again went to this place where I go for my drinks after work. Its not the same place everytime but i go there for the music. The people working there have started recognising me so its a little easy and comfortable now.



At the same place tonight I saw this girl, probably in college, pissed drunk out of her world and hugging all her friends. After some time I noticed her lying her on the sofa with friends surronded looking at her to figure out if she was ok and would survive to see the next day. I am sure, she wont forget this night for days to come coz she didnt know a jack shit of what was happeing around her.



I found this to be quite nostalgic coz some of the wild nights which I really remember were the worst nights of my life at that time. I remember I had to walk for almost 10 kms with friend coz there was no petrol in my bike and we dint have any money to have the same filled. Not even Rs. 10. All we had was booze, cigarattes and dope. Then, the same night how I banged into my flashy acquaintance coming out of his car with thick tyres and borrowed some money. I offered him some dope which he readily accepted..worst night..



How I got up on January 01 with a black eye sleeping in a car parked in a garage, failing to realise and understand where I was. My friends were too drunk to look after me...It was nice to see them the next day..Bad night..and how and how..



I am sure after some years, when I look back at these days now, I shall again remember them as those days..those golden days which I created, lived, loved, hated, drank but still remember..

Two songs which helped me through thick..thin there were many people!!

A lonely cry for help

reaching out for help to anyone
A silent prayer to God

to help you your way

I've been depressed so long,

it's hard to remember when I was happy

I've felt like suicide a dozen times or more

But that's the easy way,

that's the selfish way

The hardest part is to get on with your life

You're searching in the dark,

clutching at straws to find a way

You take the tarot cards

and throw them to the wind

Your question your beliefs,

your inner thoughts, your whole existence

And if there is a God

then answer if you will

And tell me of my fate,

tell me of my place

Tell me if I'll ever rest in peace

If you could live your life again,

would you change a thing or leave it all the same

If you had the chance again,

would you change a thing at all

When you look back at your past,

can you say that you are proud of what you've done

Are there times when you believe

that the right you thought was wrong

All of my life

I have believed

judgment of heaven

is waiting for me

All of my life

I have believed

judgment of heaven

is waiting for me

Waiting for me, waiting for me, waiting for me...

UP THE IRONS

There are times when I've wondered
And times when I've cried
When my prayers they were answered
At times when I've lied
But if you asked me a question
Would I tell you the truth
Now there's something to bet on
You've got nothing to lose

When i've sat by the window
And gazed at the rain
With an ache in my heart
But never feeling the pain
And if you would tell me
Just what my life means
Walking a long road
Never reaching the end

God give me the answer to my life
God give me the answer to my dreams
God give me the answer to my prayers
God give me the answer to my being

MATCH THIS...

I am sure that she cant sleep without seeing me back at home and seeing that I am safe. I ring the bell and she in her half asleep mind tells me that there are some fruits in the refrigerator which I must have along with the food. She tells me how she could not hear the first bell at 3 in the morning.

I have never been so touched in my life ever by seeing all this. I was left is a hostel in my prime and stayed off from my parents for a good fifteen years. Going back to all this makes me feel weird and weird because I am again wanted.

I know she has kept me in her womb for 9 months and fed me to see the world. I realise that I am her world and I am constantly in the back of her mind. I know how i might be doing drugs half zonked out to realise this world and screwing around with some naked women when I still for her can never do wrong. I understand that she has that unconditional love for me which no one in this world can ever ever match.

I love you mother, though I shall never be able to express this.

CLAP PLEASE

And they say I am rude..

The confusion to address people and not remembering how you met them the last time. The only thing you remember is that it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. The moment when you were stuck and were trying to sizzle out of it by being nice and easy and being used in the entire ordeal.

A palatial house in the one of the most expensive areas in Delhi, the ambience competing with a seven star hotel, with weird paintings and lamps and drawing room books which have never been read, sculptors, dog you can put in your pocket, with servants waiting for your clap to fix you the next drink, beautiful girls wearing the most expensive dresses and perfumes, muah muah two gentle kisses on each side of the face, the clevage being thrown for your eyes, Metrosexual men talking about the new cars and football with one eye still on the clevage..

Every talk starts and ends with "Back in England" along with the useless escapades in the US. Back in England stories are which you wont even remember and yawn a thousand times in your mind. The escapades in US are just stories about the most expensive restuarants in NYC. You can nod your head, laugh because you suddenly remember a great friend of yours and how crazy he is, give your small inputs to tell them that you are not sleeping and wait to get more drunk..clap clap clap clap

Ok now with four claps, things seem to be a little better than usual but you realise that now "Back in England" has turned into "Back in the US" and the metrosexual men have turned into half chuts bitching about some common friends.

I can go on to explain this more but really dont want to. Of all I remember of such parties are the clevage and the good whisky and nothing else. I cant know them anymore and refuse to pick up her phone.

And they say I am rude..so be it.

RUN RUN RUN

I have been running in a park near my house for a few years now. It then shifts to a tread mill in the summers and I run. Along with the the physical exercise, I am neck deep mentally involved in it. I have been running for a lot of things in life. Running for it, with it, towards it, from it, around it and the list is never ending...

I have run for strength and alcohol, with frustration and a broken heart, towards sex and money, from responsibility and acceptance, around unconditinal love and simple people and the list is never ending..

I will run for you, with you, towards you, around you and not from you because I love you and the list ends here..

I kept staring at it in the dark for a minute and then it moved. The move was the origin of terror adding to my excitement to see it more, to recognise it, to know what it is. It intrigued me, baffled me, made me feel excited with a step closer to death coupled with the undercurrent of living life and the journey I have to finish.

The picture was still not clear and I tried approaching "it". I think this was perhaps the first time I moved for "it" and this is when I saw "it". A two legged amphibian with two sockets and a protruding portion of flesh in the middle with two holes in it. It had flesh coming out from both sides of its face and had weird ornamentation made of weird metal (Execeleo1123 I suppose) hanging from there to support it. The mechanism was amazing. "It" again moved, looked at me and then freaked out. After that all I could were flash of lights with weird noises chasing me.

I rushed back to the shell and headed straight up against the light. Zema zector 123187.12 velocity. I had lost a lot of time with my subtle adventures but then earth is worth visiting. I had only read about it in visions but it was indeed one worthwhile experience. As I have my xerret1232 with a 2143qewr thinking of her tonight, for she imagined seeing a ghost rather then a traveller beyond the space of time. Aha..Pluto is not bad either!!

NATASHA

I am quite amazed by the sick and ugly voices which you have to hear when you call someone and the number is either "This number is out of service" or "has been switched off" with the same being repeated in Hindi/ Punjabi/ whatever. I have realised that over my intense practise and my luck of knowing people who are either somewhere where you cannot reach them or have just changed their numbers (when you were too lazy to store the new one that they had messaged you)is that the ugly the voice the ugly is the phone service. I was horrified to hear this voice when she told me that the "phone is out of reach". I mean with all due respect, but all I could imagine and relate this was to my maid in my college days when I was staying with some friends asking me early on a Sunday morning, "Baba, kamra saaf karduein". Anywhich way, it serves the purpose BUT can definetely be improved.


And then sometimes, I just wonder why it only has to be girls voice fed in the computer chanting the slogans time and again. More appealing for sure is one reason which leads me to the topic I want to write about Natasha. People have never seen her but have only heard about her. She is a Russian with a very soothing voice but in the event that you hear that, the only option which you have is to press the red button and eject for she only knows how to say and ofcourse in her seductive and soothing voice, "the engine is on fire, please eject". The voice is still there in the Migs which we fly now but its rather unfortunate that most of the pilots who have heard this could not survive to tell the tale.

Kick your ass

When I feel sorry for myself, I sometimes polish my shoes..let me know if you are feeling sorry for me and I shall kick your ass..